The Return of the Native—dude, the next time do us all a favour and just stay in Paris

So once upon a time, there was a bitch. Not Scarlett ‘O’Hara. The original bitch. Thomas Hardy’s Eustacia Vye. This feisty city girl gets bored in the depressing English countryside, so for entertainment she flirts with the only eligible man in the village—Damon Wildeve. Now Vye’s pretty damn gorgeous, so Wildeve is all like “Dude, life rocks”. But then for some inexplicable reason, he ditches the most darkly beautiful woman ever to walk the earth for this other female Thomasin Yeobright. Thomasin and Wildeve decide to get married, but the wedding doesn’t happen and T and her aunt Mrs. Yeobright are pissed. Wildeve’s like “Oops” and Mrs Yeobright’s like “Oh go screw yourself” and Thomasin’s like “He sucks, but it would be kinda nice to marry him anyway, na?” Disapproving Aunt is like “Whatevs kiddo, you’re fucking up your own life.”

So in the meanwhile Eustacia decides she wants Wildeve back so he goes trotting off to her place to assure her he’s still crazy about her but wants to marry Thomasin. Bitch is like “Freaking make up your freaking mind, yo!” and he’s like “Jeez, babe, chill.”

In a bit Eustacia hears that there’s this total Hottie coming to town and she’s all like “Oh man, he’s so mine. Who gives a shit about Wildeve anyway?” So she does crazy-ass things to get Hottie to notice her, and starts hanging out with him. Clym Yeobright is from Paris, rich but boring. Eustacia’s all like “Ooh France here I come... let’s get the hell out of here, Clym, baby.” But Clym’s like “Hey, sweetheart, actually I’m gonna marry you but stay here and educate poor little village children cos who wants to be rich and living in Paris.” Eustacia’s like “WTF dude!” as is his mom. Mrs Yeobright doesn’t get why the kid would throw away a fancy life for the local vamp and a village school so she’s all like “Leave, leave and do not return so long as you disobey my orders.” And Clym’s like “Sure thing, mom,” and he vacates his home space.

So by now Thomasin is married to Wildeve, Eustacia is married to Yeobright and they’ve all figured life kinda sucks. Wildeve likes Eustacia, Yeobright reads so much that he goes blind, and Eustacia figures she ain’t never going to Paris. Thomasin’s just plain bored.

Eventually, everybody gets sufficiently pissed to start with the dramatic tragic climax. Mrs Yeobright says ’nuff of life, Eustacia and Wildeve plan an elopement but fall into a river, Clym jumps in right after them, a couple of people die, one becomes a sucky preacher, another one marries a guy who sells red dye and they all—finally—live happily ever after.