Rant

I just read an article in a magazine on how more and more kids are beginning to cook these days. It’s kind of nauseating, what they’re rustling up. The mag and the kids. First of all let me tell you I hate kids. Unconditionally. I think they should be seen and not heard. Maybe not seen so much either. Hidden away would be real good.

To come back to the article. Apparently there’s a whole bunch of very young enthusiastic cooks bustling around kitchens these days thanks to Masterchef. And what are they whipping up? Cakes and cookies and éclairs and such like. Dudes, how’s that cooking. That’s just baking. And the biggest joke is that there are all these pictures of them all attired in chefs hats—or shower caps—and aprons and shit like that and posing with all kinds of cool gadgets and paraphernalia, confident gap toothed grins in place thinking they look so fucking cute. First of all, who wears that kind of stuff in the kitchen. And second, how about they try making real food—the kind you and I eat at mealtimes. I think the programme is creepy and if we don’t watch out all that hearty feel-goodness is going to have us all insulin-dependent for life.

And before you ask, I don’t cook. Yes I bake. So does Ditto. We’ve been doing it for ages and nobody put us on any magazine cover, though Ma put me on a t-shirt come to think of it. What kind of a kid was I? The over-confident and irritating kind. Is there any other?