Type 1: Stud,
flirt, macho, hot. Casual and easy-going with a general air of nonchalance. A tendency
to swagger rather than walk. They dislike hard work and thrive on partying,
lounging around, and making flippant yet witty comments. This last is found to
be particularly attractive to the opposite sex. Otherwise normal females
undergo drastic changes in behaviour (breathless giggles, fluttering eyelashes,
excessive use of the phrase “shut up!”) around males of this category. It is suspected that Type 1 males are
well aware of this fact, the primary piece of evidence being the frequency with
which this preening and strutting is observed in the presence of girls.
Identifying specimens is relatively easy—just look for the inevitable dazzling
smile. Preferred reading: still a subject of research. Music: they actually
relate to song titles that go ‘Papyrus containing the spell to preserve its
possessor against attacks from he who is in the water’ and also Indian
classical music. Slightly disturbing.
Type 2: Wooden. Poker faced. Non-expressive. No display of emotion.
In popular terms referred to as the “Strong and Silent type”. They have, however, in some cases been seen
laughing in response to a remark of a particularly humorous nature. Occasionally we are made aware of
violent likes or dislikes and are taken aback by the absence of characteristic
neutrality. It is rare to see specimens of Type 2 voicing romantic feelings for
a girl, though this is not to say they don’t entertain such thoughts. Generally
likeable/charming owing to pleasant smile and lack of anything to hold against
them. Preferred reading: poetry or non-fiction, the latter usually on subjects
as random as quantum physics. Music: classic rock and rock and rock and roll,
and please, nothing after 1980.
Type 3: The specimens in this category are frequently
referred to as ‘sensitive’. They are very polite and engaging in conversation;
their social skills are reportedly excellent. They are characterised by their
tendency to form very close attachments, and a predisposition to
sentimentality. These features, displayed most starkly in the ease with which
they cry, lead to labels such as ‘sensitive’, and ‘senti’. They have also, on
occasion, been described as good listeners, owing to their tact and understanding.
They have an affinity for romantic poetry and instrumental music. They are much
loved—not necessarily in a romantic way—by the female of the species.
Type 4: Classified as brotherly. The specimens from this
category can seldom be viewed by females as anything but protective and loving
siblings. On rakshabandhan you’ll find this type covered from biceps to wrists
in rakhis. Type 4 males have a tendency to be goofy and comical. They possess
characteristics of Type 3 males to the extent that they are comforting and
sensitive about emotional matters; there is also a large overlap between males
of this category and males who are treated as confidantes (by females). There
is a rough trend in physical attributes: smaller build than Types 1, 2, 3;
particularly untidy/unruly head hair. These cannot however be treated as
fail-proof identification criteria. Preferred reading: thrillers and science
fiction. Music: punk rock, David Guetta and boy bands.
Type 5: Type 5 males are commonly known as the Eternal Ten
Year Olds (ETYO). The characteristic which has resulted in the ETYO
classification is the immaturity of these males. It is displayed in their
passionate liking for toilet humour, and their unwillingness to acknowledge the
existence of matters of some emotional depth. They also retain the
pre-pubescent attitude towards females i.e. the Allergic to Girls Syndrome.
Identification is something of an issue with ETYOs, as they only reveal these
unique qualities when engaged in conversation. Their external appearance may
correspond with that of a male from any of the categories mentioned above.
Preferred reading: the Wimpy Kid
series. Music: hip hop, rap and anything else the other guys are listening to.
Type 6: Geniuses. Academically brilliant, high IQ. Sometimes
also musical prodigies. Affinity for the natural sciences and non-fiction, but
one can be sure that they have read most noteworthy literature as well. While
Type 6 males don’t deny the importance and indeed the existence of an emotional
life as
Type 5 males do, it is likely that they will try to explain these in
terms of philosophy or physics or hormones and neurones. They are walking
encyclopaedias, their reading being wide and varied. They are also likely to
hold and voice very informed opinions regarding almost everything. Often, this
trait leads to their being perceived as pompous and unattractive. They may
possess a very sophisticated sense of humour, but may also find immense solace
in immature or vulgar jokes. This last is perhaps the only respect in which
they depart from the Genius image. There are no general physical trends that
can be used to identify Type 6 males. Music: Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, Bob
Marley, Simon and Garfunkel. They’ll frown upon anything that had a computer
within a ten mile radius of it when it was being recorded. Also Indian and Western classical.
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